Fri, 04 May 2007 00:05:01
At a loss for words.
Too much has been going on in my life
and nothing at all.
Sometimes I wish for the drama;
of dreams and fairy tales come true.
Sometimes I wish the world would stop
so I could take a breath
and regain a composure lost long ago.
I wish I could open up to the world
what I truly feel in the corridors of my heart.
But fantasies wane to the harshness of society.
Time waits for no one
and my heart stays closed
and guarded with all my strength.
Until then it seems.
What a weird day.
After what should have been a thoroughly fun day prancing through waterfalls in Hamilton, a day out with the bf and a good friend ended on a somber note. I won’t go into details, but basically it made me reflect on the person I’ve become today versus the person I was a mere 7 years ago. Much has changed and truth be told, Patricia of 2010 would not have recognized Patricia of 2017. In 7 years God has truly taken the ashes and desolation of a broken and emotionally unstable 21 year-old’s life and made it into something I still wake up each morning in disbelief that I’ve reached this point somehow.
I have a good job
a stellar boyfriend.
I have a roof over my head I enjoy coming home to. I have travel memories and travel plans for the future. I have finances that I can utilize to help those who aren’t as financially fortunate.
And it’s funny. I used to think that God had just dealt me the bad hand in life. That life would be this continuous roller coaster that had its ups and downs but never quite got any better than what I’ve already experienced. That to hope in the good things life had to offer would only leave me discouraged and disappointed. I settled for less, far more than I should have. Only because I didn’t trust that God loved me enough to give me more. The angry, pessimistic, depressed Patricia of the past more resembled Edward Hyde to 2017’s Jekyll.
It made me realize how great God is. That while some people spend their whole lives waiting for God to show them miracles, my whole life became a miracle. That from out of almost nothing, I now have more than I could have ever have hoped for.
So to my friend going through tough times, do not lose heart.
Never give up.
God will take you out of the ashes,
out of the storms.
I don’t know when, but He will.
I only blog when I work night shifts
Yep, that’s all I wanted to say.
So if you haven’t noticed, I have a tattoo. Truth be told it’s not that noticeable and I like it that way. It’s a phoenix on my right ankle. Many of my Christian friends have asked about it confused as to why I chose some mythical creature as ink versus a wholesome cross or Bible verse. Am I just another Asian stereotype who on a whim thought it cool to honor my ancestors with a dragon or phoenix? Am I a weird pseudo-Christian who believes in reincarnation? Did I just REALLY like Harry Potter?
Well no, but sorry folks the answer is far more complex than that.
The phoenix represents a time in my life where I struggled and struggled hard. I hit rock bottom. I ran away from God and in His grace He gave me an epic smack-down and brought me back into His embrace.
My tattoo represents:
rising up from the ashes
To always remind me that even when life burns to ashes, God gives me strength to rise up and soar.
All these full moons be like “errbody should be cray“. #healthcarelife
Xanga Sat, 02 Dec 2006 20:40:43
What strength do I have, that I should still hope?
What prospects, that I should be patient?
Do I have the strength of stone?
Is my flesh bronze?
Do I have any power to help myself,
now that success has been driven from me?
– Job 6: 11-13
GOD hears you. Even before you speak; even before you think. We are never alone in this great battle they call life. And when the tides roar against us and all seems far away and unseen, He will carry you. He will give you the strength to endure.
And then when all is passed, he will bless you with a heart of wisdom to understand. Give you eyes like no other to share. And give you a world of impossibilities… to overcome.